10. You get a candy apple and mutter, "Oh yeah, my dentures will love this"
9. You're dressed as a surgeon; earlier in the day you actually performed
surgery
8. Not many "Aren't you cutes" but plenty of "I'm calling the cops"
7. Every three houses you need a smoke break
6. Chaos ensues when you confuse an M&M with your heart medication
5. You're dressed as America's favorite movie star, Tyrone Power
4. At the end of night you don't have many treats, but you got a few dates
with divorcees
3. Frequently forgo the candy and ask to use the bathroom
2. Your "trick" involves driving rascal scooter across lawn
1. Wrap things up early so you can get home to watch CBS
Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
Top Ten Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves
10. Guys who forgot to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their sandwich
9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks
8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a TWO
Musketeers
7. When Bill Clinton rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy tax"
6. You stop at Mia Farrow's house, next thing you know you're adopted
5. When Ed Asner answers the door without his shirt on
4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find the
real killers! (O.J. only)
3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick
2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away
1. People who want receipts
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Halloween Party
10. Jack-O-Lantern looks suspiciously like the neighborhood mailman's head
9. A guy from Domino's delivers a pizza -- and wins best costume
8. Shirtless Ed Asner walking around as "The Wolfman"
7. You see the guy dressed as President Clinton coming out of the bedroom
with your wife.
6. They're serving haunted pancakes (video tape of Letterman with floating
pancakes).
5. So-called ghost, just the old guy, from the 1-800-COLLECT commercials
4. You say "nice crazy dwarf costume" to a guy and he says "I'm Ross Perot,
you bastard!"
3. Some chemical in all that green ink turns you into a crazy little
chipmunk like Ross Perot.
2. A woman dressed as Lorena Bobbitt mistakes you for a guy dressed as John
Bobbitt.
1. Hey Chester -- those ain't candy corns!
<<...OLE_Obj...>> Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and
fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
