It has been said that if I could enlist today and help my country track down
those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City
and Washington, D.C. I would.
But, I am over 60 now and the Armed Forces say that I am too old to track
down terrorists. You can't be older that 35 to join the military.
They have got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You should not be able to join
until you are at least 35. For starters:
a.. Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
b.. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we will complain them
into submission. My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote control?
c.. An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you should not go to war
until your at least old enough to legally drink.
d.. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of
beer by the time he is 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a
backpack and M-16 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
e.. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
early just to show we can (and steal the neighbors newspaper and pee).
f.. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we would
probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number
would be a real brainteaser.
g.. Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys. We are used to getting
screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food.
h.. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like
them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with
rope hanging over the side.
j. And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone
outrun a bullet.
k.. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He is still learning to
shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of
his butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a
pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the
back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about
life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down
those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on Sept. 11th.
The last thing they would want to see right now is a couple of million old
farts with attitudes.
