Planning for the fall football season
in the South is radically different from
up north. For those who are planning a
football trip South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill
in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks,
waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon.
Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant; Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into
the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into
the ticket office on campus and put name on
waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're
going to the game, because they have classes
on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because
they don't want to see the few hungover students
that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University
opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin
arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities.
The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and
watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for
breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is
broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera
and wave to those up north who wonder why
"Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it,
listening to local radio station with truck
tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires
up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live
performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who
come over during breaks and ask for a hit
off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When
you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it.
On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled
to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with
the home team's mascot on it, filled
less than half way with soda, to ensure
enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and
less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along
in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle
him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle
him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in
the fight song, with a tear in his
eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker.
While somebody goes to the nearest package store
for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway
close to the glories of Southern
football . . . (can I get an "AMEN"?)
