St. Mom's Wart - Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed!
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and
improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls is highly effective in
improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make
up.
Menicillin - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked
now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra can cause an
indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donny Osmond CD or! a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by people who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in
treating the, "Not now dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.
Men-Gay - A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to
cross off the dating pool.
